how do you call someone at 2 or 3 in the morning because you're lonely? i guess you really don't. I realize God is the one who is with us always, but like i've heard said..."sometimes you just want someone with skin on". the thing is i really don't know what i want to say, or what is really wrong, just sad or lonely or something -- maybe even bored. I realize it would be a good time to get into the Word, but alas, the flesh truly is weak and often reigns or so it seems.
i've had trouble sleeping for probably at least 5 years. the only thing consistent about it is that it's inconsistent. i slept a while last night and was up around 9pm and stayed awake until about 7 am, then slept til about 10 i guess and here i am, awake as my husband sleeps.
the fact that i can't drive anywhere makes it worse, although my husband wouldn't "let" me do that anyway, at least not at night or early in the morning.
i do have a son near the west coast who is 3 hours behind us, so he'd probably be up, but i really don't know what's wrong and hate to bug him unless i'm in a crisis, which happened a couple of weeks ago but that i didn't reach out to anyone much during. it is my hope that my husband would call others to pray, but, he doesn't always think like me. (go figure :-)
so, a couple of weekends ago i was in the pit, not totally sure why after doing so well for so many months, but the suicidal thoughts were beckoning. After about 4 days of it it passed pretty much but again this week i'm struggling. i can't seem to accomplish much of anything, my momentum is pretty much nil, and as another blogger wrote, something to the affect that my creativity is waning. i want to do things, but can't seem to get much accomplished.
during a conversation with my brother he mentioned maybe it was a spiritual war and that maybe i wasn't suppose to do anything, but that the Holy Spirit was to fight it. i believe he was/is right. It has to be the Lord's battle and not mine, but while it's going on what do i do? I guess the right answer is to PRAY PRAY PRAY and REST in Him. difficult for someone who usually feels the need to "perform".
another poem - written some time ago - expressing my frustration at the time
how to be a christian
I would like to know
how to live in faith
and to not let my fear show
how to trust completely
in everything i do
how to think on good thoughts
whate'er i'm going through
it seems it should be easy
just believe the word they say
but how do you believe
when Satan comes your way
he steals your peace of mind
and snatches at the truth
he leaves me full of doubts and fears
not knowing what to do
how to be a christian
and trust God totally
how to be a christian
seems mighty hard to me
how to be a christian
i'd really like to know
living daily in His grace
trusting as I go
It seems there's always questions
roaming in my mind
what's the answer to this
your way i cannot find
how to be a christian
it seems i never find
i think it's more than likely
that i will lose my mind
how to live in victory
what a joyful thought
for this very purpose
i find i have been bought
bought by the blood of Jesus
saved to the uttermost
but yet i cannot feel it
it seems is still am lost
lost in a spiritual warfare
waiting for my time to come
when i shall live with Jesus
and then the battle's done
"a perspective of one who's saved [but] suffering from mental illness"
FHG/bkm
3 comments:
Brenda,
Please know I think of you often and want the best for you. I too have problems off and on of being depressed. One Saturday, after being down for quite a while, Ed said lets go for a walk at the new walking park that opened up on Delta River drive. It was a cold walk, but the sun was still up for a little while. We found a pond way in the back and the ducks started coming back to rest for the evening. We talked about how much Katlyn would love seeing this place. As we walked back to the van the sun disappeared into the arisen. I thought why, why did I not what to leave the comfort of my home that day? As you know our Lord knew what I needed, and Ed insisted I needed to get out of the house. The park was awesome with all the nature staring us in the face as to what God has giving us to look at and so many times miss because of thinking of our problems in life. I know you can't walk very far, but please sit down in your yard and look at the flowers and landscape you & Chauncy planted. And think of all of what God has done just to make it beautiful to look at. I don't know if I'm making sense or not, but I'm here for you. And yes, you can call me in the middle of the night. I too don't sleep very good and there are times when I'm awake for hours in the middle of the night, trying to fall back asleep. I love ya, bunches. Your friend of 30+ years.
This is quite a powerful entry. I'm also a christian and suffer from mental illness, so I can relate to much of this.
I really like this line:
how to live in victory
what a joyful thought
for this very purpose
i find i have been bought
I will definately have to come back later tonight and read this entry.
In response to your comment about my blanket. Do you have an email address that I can send this information to? That would be much easier for me. But if not, I'll upload the pictures to my Photobucket account and link you there.
Thanks so much for the last comment you left me. Yes I do agree that we serve a very creative God.
~*Melody*~
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