I am depression

I am depression

I mask myself as truth

I hide in many ways

preventing discernment and sound thinking

masking myself as indifference

playing the role of victim

I envelop darkness to a point

there is no light

the torment I create is real, the

torture I impart arduous and long

I hold my victims for lifetimes,

granting a reprieve

only on occasion and then only

if it will seek to build them up

so I can tear them down again

I ravage and tear my victims

wounding them for life

rendering them inoperable on

a daily basis -- unable to function in society

I destroy their hope, I steal it

from them that they may know

no joy or peace

I fuel anger; stirring

up annoyance with other people

I lie to my victims telling them there is no hope

telling them they are alone

telling them no one cares or

"it" won't really matter

I isolate -- breaking off

valuable, nurturing relationships

I strike out at those who

love them most

My ultimate victory

is Death.



I wrote this about 4 years ago. A time in which i lived pretty much daily in its grasp. I thank God that He allowed me to eventually learn the truth. That it is the enemy, Satan, who brings this. As God's word states, the enemy comes to "steal, kill and destroy". That, to me, is what depression does.



I find myself again falling into its grip -- struggling not to, but seemingly unable to resist. I pray that God will fight for me, as I am weak. If you also share in this struggle, my prayers go out that God will deliver and heal. It is not God's will that we be defeated, although the enemy seeks to keep that truth from us.



By God's grace may we rise above.FHG/bkm

"Lord, is it warfare?"...

how do you call someone at 2 or 3 in the morning because you're lonely? i guess you really don't. I realize God is the one who is with us always, but like i've heard said..."sometimes you just want someone with skin on". the thing is i really don't know what i want to say, or what is really wrong, just sad or lonely or something -- maybe even bored. I realize it would be a good time to get into the Word, but alas, the flesh truly is weak and often reigns or so it seems.



i've had trouble sleeping for probably at least 5 years. the only thing consistent about it is that it's inconsistent. i slept a while last night and was up around 9pm and stayed awake until about 7 am, then slept til about 10 i guess and here i am, awake as my husband sleeps.



the fact that i can't drive anywhere makes it worse, although my husband wouldn't "let" me do that anyway, at least not at night or early in the morning.



i do have a son near the west coast who is 3 hours behind us, so he'd probably be up, but i really don't know what's wrong and hate to bug him unless i'm in a crisis, which happened a couple of weeks ago but that i didn't reach out to anyone much during. it is my hope that my husband would call others to pray, but, he doesn't always think like me. (go figure :-)



so, a couple of weekends ago i was in the pit, not totally sure why after doing so well for so many months, but the suicidal thoughts were beckoning. After about 4 days of it it passed pretty much but again this week i'm struggling. i can't seem to accomplish much of anything, my momentum is pretty much nil, and as another blogger wrote, something to the affect that my creativity is waning. i want to do things, but can't seem to get much accomplished.



during a conversation with my brother he mentioned maybe it was a spiritual war and that maybe i wasn't suppose to do anything, but that the Holy Spirit was to fight it. i believe he was/is right. It has to be the Lord's battle and not mine, but while it's going on what do i do? I guess the right answer is to PRAY PRAY PRAY and REST in Him. difficult for someone who usually feels the need to "perform".



another poem - written some time ago - expressing my frustration at the time



how to be a christian

I would like to know

how to live in faith

and to not let my fear show

how to trust completely

in everything i do

how to think on good thoughts

whate'er i'm going through



it seems it should be easy

just believe the word they say

but how do you believe

when Satan comes your way

he steals your peace of mind

and snatches at the truth

he leaves me full of doubts and fears

not knowing what to do



how to be a christian

and trust God totally

how to be a christian

seems mighty hard to me



how to be a christian

i'd really like to know

living daily in His grace

trusting as I go



It seems there's always questions

roaming in my mind

what's the answer to this

your way i cannot find



how to be a christian

it seems i never find

i think it's more than likely

that i will lose my mind



how to live in victory

what a joyful thought

for this very purpose

i find i have been bought



bought by the blood of Jesus

saved to the uttermost

but yet i cannot feel it

it seems is still am lost



lost in a spiritual warfare

waiting for my time to come

when i shall live with Jesus

and then the battle's done



"a perspective of one who's saved [but] suffering from mental illness"

FHG/bkm