why is it that so often we let out the worst of ourselves and cause pain to others? why can we not just control ourselves better, be nicer, kinder, considerate and think beyond our own self-centered desires?
i hurt my husband today, with words - again - and, actions. seems i do that a lot. at least to me it does. i've done it to many i love and at the time i guess i'm just thinking "if....you'd done that, or said this, or just thought, ...then....." when in reality i'm the one who should not have... "done that or said this or just thought" and then put voice and action to my thoughts.
once words are out they cannot be taken back, regardless of the apologies or thoughtful, kind, loving words after. the resulting emotion(s) are not easily discarded. they can hurt for moments, hours, days, and sometimes years. i've known this from first hand experience; both from being on the speaking and hearing side of conversations and in the doing and seeing of various behavior.
i know God has addressed this problem - more than once - through His word. we are to exhort, encourage, edify, lift up, bless, and other various profitable communicative ways - yet we so often do the opposite. I know he addresses this as well - that evil is there to do that which i do not want to do - and i'm sorry for the many times i've failed and allowed that evil to flow from either my words, actions, inaction, or however else i may have succombed.
for those i've hurt, i'm sorry. God, my husband, my children, my extended family, friends, acquaintances, and those i may have just been rude to who i've come across; forgive me - and pray that i'll do better, that i will choose God's Spirit over the desires of the flesh.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Sunday, November 16, 2008
pit stops
i don't know much about racing, but remember when i was young watching movies or something and the pit crew would hold up signs for the drivers racing around to come in to the pit.
guess that's where i am
for whatever reason i'm in a pit stop
i guess they'd change tires, lube, whatever was necessary to keep the car in order so that it could continue the race
perhaps that's what God is doing for me
personally i'm tired of pit stops, especially when they take a while and take me back to the pit of despair and bring with it feelings of despair and wanting to escape
wonder how the driver felt being out of the race - knowing, probably that it was needed, but possibly feeling "what a nuisance"
although, in truth, a nuisance it's not - at least not for a car race
maintenance is necessary to keep it going
what maintenance or preventive care am i needing?
guess that's where i am
for whatever reason i'm in a pit stop
i guess they'd change tires, lube, whatever was necessary to keep the car in order so that it could continue the race
perhaps that's what God is doing for me
personally i'm tired of pit stops, especially when they take a while and take me back to the pit of despair and bring with it feelings of despair and wanting to escape
wonder how the driver felt being out of the race - knowing, probably that it was needed, but possibly feeling "what a nuisance"
although, in truth, a nuisance it's not - at least not for a car race
maintenance is necessary to keep it going
what maintenance or preventive care am i needing?
Sunday, September 14, 2008
anniversary journey
28 years ago i began a journey. it actually began the day before with a wedding. my wedding. my son had turned one on the 12th and then on the 13th i married my husband. we had met 4 years earlier during a family vacation and had corresponded through letters for 4 years. i had seen him only once during that time, a few months before the wedding. we had each went on with our lives but continued to keep in touch.
i believe life for me needed to change and marrying him was the ticket. it would take me states away from what i knew and away from from my family - but boy was it worth it! i had no idea what was in store.
so, 28 years later i'm thinking this morning of the u-haul we rented and loaded (complete with diaper pail) and the journey that began.
we travelled for over 2 days, and i learned from the beginning that we had trouble conversing with each other. the first night we ended up in some out of the way place at some motel with a one year old needing to be fed. my husband had made a wrong turn. he went out and got scrambled eggs for our son to eat and brought it back to the room. me - i longed for a "holiday inn" thinking it was like the "ritz". the second night we thought we were at a holiday inn only to find we had taken the wrong driveway and ended up at some other place. whatever.... on the third day we ended up at our new home, a small apt.
life went on for a number of years getting to know each other, talk of divorce entered the conversation a number of times, once even suggested by a "minister", but, thank God it never came to be.
years later i would become a christian, born again by the grace of God and i became a new creature. we now had three children. and then depression hit with such a force that i became incapable of functioning and needed to be hospitalized, not once, but many times since. this particular journey would take detours, but would be with us for a very long time. it has only been within the last year , thank God, that a sustained healing has come, and even with healing there are occasional road blocks that seem to stop me.
now, 28 years later, i think about the journey. we've been through a lot, i frequently think my husband has been through the roughest part (being on the recipient end of my moods, etc), but know that we both have travelled. by God's grace and goodness we have perservered and are celebrating. i never thought i'd be married this long. i wasn't familiar with marriages that did not use divorce as an option. pretty much all i knew was that married people didn't really like each other. God has shown me a different way.
when my oldest son was married in 2004 they had dancing at the reception. at one point they had couples on the dance floor and and asked couples to leave the floor when their years of marriage were counted out (1, 5, etc.). i was excited when the last two couples were my husband and i and my my daughter-in-law's' parents. they beat us out :-) but what a legacy; to know both their parents had "stuck it out" so to speak.
we are unaware of what will actually lay ahead in a journey - only God knows that. i'm so thankful i'm on this one. a savior, a husband, 3 adult children, a daughter-in-law and many many things learned. i thank God for this trip.
i believe life for me needed to change and marrying him was the ticket. it would take me states away from what i knew and away from from my family - but boy was it worth it! i had no idea what was in store.
so, 28 years later i'm thinking this morning of the u-haul we rented and loaded (complete with diaper pail) and the journey that began.
we travelled for over 2 days, and i learned from the beginning that we had trouble conversing with each other. the first night we ended up in some out of the way place at some motel with a one year old needing to be fed. my husband had made a wrong turn. he went out and got scrambled eggs for our son to eat and brought it back to the room. me - i longed for a "holiday inn" thinking it was like the "ritz". the second night we thought we were at a holiday inn only to find we had taken the wrong driveway and ended up at some other place. whatever.... on the third day we ended up at our new home, a small apt.
life went on for a number of years getting to know each other, talk of divorce entered the conversation a number of times, once even suggested by a "minister", but, thank God it never came to be.
years later i would become a christian, born again by the grace of God and i became a new creature. we now had three children. and then depression hit with such a force that i became incapable of functioning and needed to be hospitalized, not once, but many times since. this particular journey would take detours, but would be with us for a very long time. it has only been within the last year , thank God, that a sustained healing has come, and even with healing there are occasional road blocks that seem to stop me.
now, 28 years later, i think about the journey. we've been through a lot, i frequently think my husband has been through the roughest part (being on the recipient end of my moods, etc), but know that we both have travelled. by God's grace and goodness we have perservered and are celebrating. i never thought i'd be married this long. i wasn't familiar with marriages that did not use divorce as an option. pretty much all i knew was that married people didn't really like each other. God has shown me a different way.
when my oldest son was married in 2004 they had dancing at the reception. at one point they had couples on the dance floor and and asked couples to leave the floor when their years of marriage were counted out (1, 5, etc.). i was excited when the last two couples were my husband and i and my my daughter-in-law's' parents. they beat us out :-) but what a legacy; to know both their parents had "stuck it out" so to speak.
we are unaware of what will actually lay ahead in a journey - only God knows that. i'm so thankful i'm on this one. a savior, a husband, 3 adult children, a daughter-in-law and many many things learned. i thank God for this trip.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
letter to mom
hi mom
doubt you'll ever hear of this - you're not exactly up on techno culture and in your current stage probably wouldn't be able to understand it anyway.
i've been crying for/about you lately. i'm hurt that you're so alone. i'm hurt that your children don't call and check on you and let you know they care, which i think they do, at least i hope they do. i'm sorry you don't have friends and family "doting" on you and ministering to you.
most of us, your children, didn't really have a relationship with you. it was more of an identity. we knew our roles. you're mom, we're the kids. but as i aged i learned more about who you were. you were stronger than we probably ever realized. you lived loving a man who abandoned you over and over, left you with no money, no food, no home, no heat, etc. yet you perservered. maybe you thought that was your only choice, but i know from experience it's not.
you could have chosen to leave us (your kids) as well - but you didn't. although i think you may have left emotionally in some respects, you continued to do what you could to keep us fed and clothed although we balked at it at the time. potted meat, sardines, ketchup on crackers and second hand clothes were a part of life and yet, we never starved that i recall and never went naked. (although aunt carol tells me of finding ricky crawling around with just a diaper on.)
mom, i have no idea how you perserverd through the many years. after paul came into the picture the financial situation changed somewhat, he had a steady job but with 7 kids it still wasn't easy. i know i stole many times for lunches at school and who knows what else. the tension in the house was evident most all the time. i guess none of us really knew how to cope with all that was going on.
we never had affectionate times in our family. none of us were familiar with that. whether that was a result of upbringing, culture, hurts, or whatever doesn't really matter now. i hope i've told you enough that i love you - and thanks. thanks for not taking off, for not quittting, for feeding us, for washing our clothes, for the many cupcakes for school, and countless other things i can't seem to put my finger on (clothes sent to me for my kids, cards, flowers, letters, phone calls, money.......) i'm sorry if i didn't appreciate it enough at the time and a part of me wishes we could go back and i could dwell there for a time - but that is not to be.
i'm so sorry you've been hurt so bad, and so often. my current hope for you is that you may finally have some peace. you've seemed to live so much in anxiety, fear, judgment and what else i do not know. perhaps like me there's also been guilt, shame, remorse....the list could go on and on. i know for me that God has brought redemption; freeing me from so much and i so wish and pray that you could know his awesome love for you.
mom you are truly loved by God and me. i hope that you will somehow know that. i miss you, mom. i am so thankful for the guy that saved you from drowning. I thank God for you, mom, and again, i'm sorry you've had so much pain.
doubt you'll ever hear of this - you're not exactly up on techno culture and in your current stage probably wouldn't be able to understand it anyway.
i've been crying for/about you lately. i'm hurt that you're so alone. i'm hurt that your children don't call and check on you and let you know they care, which i think they do, at least i hope they do. i'm sorry you don't have friends and family "doting" on you and ministering to you.
most of us, your children, didn't really have a relationship with you. it was more of an identity. we knew our roles. you're mom, we're the kids. but as i aged i learned more about who you were. you were stronger than we probably ever realized. you lived loving a man who abandoned you over and over, left you with no money, no food, no home, no heat, etc. yet you perservered. maybe you thought that was your only choice, but i know from experience it's not.
you could have chosen to leave us (your kids) as well - but you didn't. although i think you may have left emotionally in some respects, you continued to do what you could to keep us fed and clothed although we balked at it at the time. potted meat, sardines, ketchup on crackers and second hand clothes were a part of life and yet, we never starved that i recall and never went naked. (although aunt carol tells me of finding ricky crawling around with just a diaper on.)
mom, i have no idea how you perserverd through the many years. after paul came into the picture the financial situation changed somewhat, he had a steady job but with 7 kids it still wasn't easy. i know i stole many times for lunches at school and who knows what else. the tension in the house was evident most all the time. i guess none of us really knew how to cope with all that was going on.
we never had affectionate times in our family. none of us were familiar with that. whether that was a result of upbringing, culture, hurts, or whatever doesn't really matter now. i hope i've told you enough that i love you - and thanks. thanks for not taking off, for not quittting, for feeding us, for washing our clothes, for the many cupcakes for school, and countless other things i can't seem to put my finger on (clothes sent to me for my kids, cards, flowers, letters, phone calls, money.......) i'm sorry if i didn't appreciate it enough at the time and a part of me wishes we could go back and i could dwell there for a time - but that is not to be.
i'm so sorry you've been hurt so bad, and so often. my current hope for you is that you may finally have some peace. you've seemed to live so much in anxiety, fear, judgment and what else i do not know. perhaps like me there's also been guilt, shame, remorse....the list could go on and on. i know for me that God has brought redemption; freeing me from so much and i so wish and pray that you could know his awesome love for you.
mom you are truly loved by God and me. i hope that you will somehow know that. i miss you, mom. i am so thankful for the guy that saved you from drowning. I thank God for you, mom, and again, i'm sorry you've had so much pain.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
is there something in your eye?
it is hard for me to understand
the various ways of God
of how a friend seems not to care
and why it is allowed
a friend who does not show concern
or spend time listening to me
a friend who is too busy - too busy to see my need
and then i came to realize
i sometimes do the same
this e-mail i'll read later
or i'll phone another day
i really ought to drop a note
or stop by and say hello
the plank i see is in my eye -
my friend is not alone
FHG/bkm
the various ways of God
of how a friend seems not to care
and why it is allowed
a friend who does not show concern
or spend time listening to me
a friend who is too busy - too busy to see my need
and then i came to realize
i sometimes do the same
this e-mail i'll read later
or i'll phone another day
i really ought to drop a note
or stop by and say hello
the plank i see is in my eye -
my friend is not alone
FHG/bkm
Saturday, July 12, 2008
hummingbirds at last!!
we have arrived!! there have been approximately 4 sightings of hummingbirds at my mother's day gift feeder :-) and here I was having doubts about having spent the money on it. now, two months later we see results. and isn't that sometimes the way of it? we put forth effort, money, time, whatever and seemingly for lack of anything to show for it - and then - WHAM - the blessings appear. what a reminder, to me anyway, that we need to at times wait, and then see the blessings of the LORD; bearing in mind, though, that some we may not see this side of heaven. will try to post a pic if i can get one (the things move so fast :-))
Saturday, June 14, 2008
beauty of creation
my husband and i purchased and planted a butterfly bush last month, and although it only has one 'blossoming' stem on it, i saw my first butterfly yesterday. it brought such a sense of beauty to me. it was a small butterfly, only about 1 1/2 inches across, orange colored. it flew away before i could see it well, but then landed on the ground near our back steps where i was able to gaze at it for a little bit, then flew off.
i can't really explain, i guess, how that brought me hope. to be able to see beauty in God's creation and that He would bless me by allowing me to see it.
there is a quote i like "all i have seen teaches me to trust the Creator for all I have not seen" by Ralph Waldo Emerson. God is good. He has painted us a beautiful world, and although it has been marred by the wickedness and evil of sin, He still allows us to glimpse its beauty, if we, but take time to look.
my friend, nora, is finding joy in the same way. looking at God's creation and encouraging me to do the same. i hope to see more, as life without it is so bleak and dark.
i can't really explain, i guess, how that brought me hope. to be able to see beauty in God's creation and that He would bless me by allowing me to see it.
there is a quote i like "all i have seen teaches me to trust the Creator for all I have not seen" by Ralph Waldo Emerson. God is good. He has painted us a beautiful world, and although it has been marred by the wickedness and evil of sin, He still allows us to glimpse its beauty, if we, but take time to look.
my friend, nora, is finding joy in the same way. looking at God's creation and encouraging me to do the same. i hope to see more, as life without it is so bleak and dark.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
I am depression
I am depression
I mask myself as truth
I hide in many ways
preventing discernment and sound thinking
masking myself as indifference
playing the role of victim
I envelop darkness to a point
there is no light
the torment I create is real, the
torture I impart arduous and long
I hold my victims for lifetimes,
granting a reprieve
only on occasion and then only
if it will seek to build them up
so I can tear them down again
I ravage and tear my victims
wounding them for life
rendering them inoperable on
a daily basis -- unable to function in society
I destroy their hope, I steal it
from them that they may know
no joy or peace
I fuel anger; stirring
up annoyance with other people
I lie to my victims telling them there is no hope
telling them they are alone
telling them no one cares or
"it" won't really matter
I isolate -- breaking off
valuable, nurturing relationships
I strike out at those who
love them most
My ultimate victory
is Death.
I wrote this about 4 years ago. A time in which i lived pretty much daily in its grasp. I thank God that He allowed me to eventually learn the truth. That it is the enemy, Satan, who brings this. As God's word states, the enemy comes to "steal, kill and destroy". That, to me, is what depression does.
I find myself again falling into its grip -- struggling not to, but seemingly unable to resist. I pray that God will fight for me, as I am weak. If you also share in this struggle, my prayers go out that God will deliver and heal. It is not God's will that we be defeated, although the enemy seeks to keep that truth from us.
By God's grace may we rise above.FHG/bkm
I mask myself as truth
I hide in many ways
preventing discernment and sound thinking
masking myself as indifference
playing the role of victim
I envelop darkness to a point
there is no light
the torment I create is real, the
torture I impart arduous and long
I hold my victims for lifetimes,
granting a reprieve
only on occasion and then only
if it will seek to build them up
so I can tear them down again
I ravage and tear my victims
wounding them for life
rendering them inoperable on
a daily basis -- unable to function in society
I destroy their hope, I steal it
from them that they may know
no joy or peace
I fuel anger; stirring
up annoyance with other people
I lie to my victims telling them there is no hope
telling them they are alone
telling them no one cares or
"it" won't really matter
I isolate -- breaking off
valuable, nurturing relationships
I strike out at those who
love them most
My ultimate victory
is Death.
I wrote this about 4 years ago. A time in which i lived pretty much daily in its grasp. I thank God that He allowed me to eventually learn the truth. That it is the enemy, Satan, who brings this. As God's word states, the enemy comes to "steal, kill and destroy". That, to me, is what depression does.
I find myself again falling into its grip -- struggling not to, but seemingly unable to resist. I pray that God will fight for me, as I am weak. If you also share in this struggle, my prayers go out that God will deliver and heal. It is not God's will that we be defeated, although the enemy seeks to keep that truth from us.
By God's grace may we rise above.FHG/bkm
Friday, May 2, 2008
"Lord, is it warfare?"...
how do you call someone at 2 or 3 in the morning because you're lonely? i guess you really don't. I realize God is the one who is with us always, but like i've heard said..."sometimes you just want someone with skin on". the thing is i really don't know what i want to say, or what is really wrong, just sad or lonely or something -- maybe even bored. I realize it would be a good time to get into the Word, but alas, the flesh truly is weak and often reigns or so it seems.
i've had trouble sleeping for probably at least 5 years. the only thing consistent about it is that it's inconsistent. i slept a while last night and was up around 9pm and stayed awake until about 7 am, then slept til about 10 i guess and here i am, awake as my husband sleeps.
the fact that i can't drive anywhere makes it worse, although my husband wouldn't "let" me do that anyway, at least not at night or early in the morning.
i do have a son near the west coast who is 3 hours behind us, so he'd probably be up, but i really don't know what's wrong and hate to bug him unless i'm in a crisis, which happened a couple of weeks ago but that i didn't reach out to anyone much during. it is my hope that my husband would call others to pray, but, he doesn't always think like me. (go figure :-)
so, a couple of weekends ago i was in the pit, not totally sure why after doing so well for so many months, but the suicidal thoughts were beckoning. After about 4 days of it it passed pretty much but again this week i'm struggling. i can't seem to accomplish much of anything, my momentum is pretty much nil, and as another blogger wrote, something to the affect that my creativity is waning. i want to do things, but can't seem to get much accomplished.
during a conversation with my brother he mentioned maybe it was a spiritual war and that maybe i wasn't suppose to do anything, but that the Holy Spirit was to fight it. i believe he was/is right. It has to be the Lord's battle and not mine, but while it's going on what do i do? I guess the right answer is to PRAY PRAY PRAY and REST in Him. difficult for someone who usually feels the need to "perform".
another poem - written some time ago - expressing my frustration at the time
how to be a christian
I would like to know
how to live in faith
and to not let my fear show
how to trust completely
in everything i do
how to think on good thoughts
whate'er i'm going through
it seems it should be easy
just believe the word they say
but how do you believe
when Satan comes your way
he steals your peace of mind
and snatches at the truth
he leaves me full of doubts and fears
not knowing what to do
how to be a christian
and trust God totally
how to be a christian
seems mighty hard to me
how to be a christian
i'd really like to know
living daily in His grace
trusting as I go
It seems there's always questions
roaming in my mind
what's the answer to this
your way i cannot find
how to be a christian
it seems i never find
i think it's more than likely
that i will lose my mind
how to live in victory
what a joyful thought
for this very purpose
i find i have been bought
bought by the blood of Jesus
saved to the uttermost
but yet i cannot feel it
it seems is still am lost
lost in a spiritual warfare
waiting for my time to come
when i shall live with Jesus
and then the battle's done
"a perspective of one who's saved [but] suffering from mental illness"
FHG/bkm
i've had trouble sleeping for probably at least 5 years. the only thing consistent about it is that it's inconsistent. i slept a while last night and was up around 9pm and stayed awake until about 7 am, then slept til about 10 i guess and here i am, awake as my husband sleeps.
the fact that i can't drive anywhere makes it worse, although my husband wouldn't "let" me do that anyway, at least not at night or early in the morning.
i do have a son near the west coast who is 3 hours behind us, so he'd probably be up, but i really don't know what's wrong and hate to bug him unless i'm in a crisis, which happened a couple of weeks ago but that i didn't reach out to anyone much during. it is my hope that my husband would call others to pray, but, he doesn't always think like me. (go figure :-)
so, a couple of weekends ago i was in the pit, not totally sure why after doing so well for so many months, but the suicidal thoughts were beckoning. After about 4 days of it it passed pretty much but again this week i'm struggling. i can't seem to accomplish much of anything, my momentum is pretty much nil, and as another blogger wrote, something to the affect that my creativity is waning. i want to do things, but can't seem to get much accomplished.
during a conversation with my brother he mentioned maybe it was a spiritual war and that maybe i wasn't suppose to do anything, but that the Holy Spirit was to fight it. i believe he was/is right. It has to be the Lord's battle and not mine, but while it's going on what do i do? I guess the right answer is to PRAY PRAY PRAY and REST in Him. difficult for someone who usually feels the need to "perform".
another poem - written some time ago - expressing my frustration at the time
how to be a christian
I would like to know
how to live in faith
and to not let my fear show
how to trust completely
in everything i do
how to think on good thoughts
whate'er i'm going through
it seems it should be easy
just believe the word they say
but how do you believe
when Satan comes your way
he steals your peace of mind
and snatches at the truth
he leaves me full of doubts and fears
not knowing what to do
how to be a christian
and trust God totally
how to be a christian
seems mighty hard to me
how to be a christian
i'd really like to know
living daily in His grace
trusting as I go
It seems there's always questions
roaming in my mind
what's the answer to this
your way i cannot find
how to be a christian
it seems i never find
i think it's more than likely
that i will lose my mind
how to live in victory
what a joyful thought
for this very purpose
i find i have been bought
bought by the blood of Jesus
saved to the uttermost
but yet i cannot feel it
it seems is still am lost
lost in a spiritual warfare
waiting for my time to come
when i shall live with Jesus
and then the battle's done
"a perspective of one who's saved [but] suffering from mental illness"
FHG/bkm
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Awesome Love of God
ok, so i am climbing a mountain (referring to last post), however God is enabling me to go on. After a week of going to two different doctors and learning of two additional medical conditions that will require follow up testing and probably (unless as prayed for there is divine healing) treatment and/or surgery and who knows what else i realized that, for me, my entire life on this side of heaven is a mountain. However, i also know that God has a plan for me and nothing can thwart that so i need to rest in him.
Not always easy to do, for sure. However, as mentioned I believe previously, we have the divine indwelling of the Holy Spirit who will intercede for us. I think I just get too bogged down with earthly concerns at times to draw near to him and ask for his enablement. To even do that is not easy because i must lay aside the worldly distractions.
I have a little placque i found some time ago that says "I found love in an awesome God". That sums up a lot for me. He is the one who loves me as I am and wants what's best for me and can see to it that that happens. Coming from a childhood and young adult life of not knowing what true love was like, it blows me away that God would care so much, and that in turn, he enables me and teaches me to love in that same way. Knowing how much I love my children, as a human, and would not want harm for them, how much more does God want good for me?
Anyway, i press on, by His grace and "for His Glory" that others may know he loves them too. Suffering does have a purpose, and although it's not fun at the time, it does reap a benefit. Praise God!!
Not always easy to do, for sure. However, as mentioned I believe previously, we have the divine indwelling of the Holy Spirit who will intercede for us. I think I just get too bogged down with earthly concerns at times to draw near to him and ask for his enablement. To even do that is not easy because i must lay aside the worldly distractions.
I have a little placque i found some time ago that says "I found love in an awesome God". That sums up a lot for me. He is the one who loves me as I am and wants what's best for me and can see to it that that happens. Coming from a childhood and young adult life of not knowing what true love was like, it blows me away that God would care so much, and that in turn, he enables me and teaches me to love in that same way. Knowing how much I love my children, as a human, and would not want harm for them, how much more does God want good for me?
Anyway, i press on, by His grace and "for His Glory" that others may know he loves them too. Suffering does have a purpose, and although it's not fun at the time, it does reap a benefit. Praise God!!
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
How high is this mountain?
Plagued with emotional and physical health issues the last 20 or so years is becoming a bit overwhelming. Rather, not a bit, but a lot! I ask "how much more" or "can't I just be healed" and struggle with why.
Last Saturday night we watched "The Passion of the Christ" movie by Mel Gibson. My mind couldn't help but wander back to the beating and brutality of what Christ endured - for us. I think, but He is God, He can take it. But, alas, He was also human. With human frailities - he felt the pain, the torment, the torture, the rejection, the persecution, and ultimately the moment from what i understand, that God turned away as He carried and brought upon Himself ALL of our sin.
Again, from what I understand, we are partakers of the same divine nature. God's Spirit abides in us -those of us who have become his children - enabling us to do whatever it is that He would ask of us. Here, though, I remember that the Spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.
Monday afternoon i went to a dr. and was diagnosed with sleep apnea. I had prayed it would not be so; mainly i think because of the machine i would probably have to use, which would be another maintenance thing for illnesses. My husband and I had lunch after the diagnosis and he used the analogy of my myriad of illnesses as one being a fire ([maybe] the depression) and all the others (diabetes, periodic paralysis (or something to that affect), igg deficiency, HBP, possible arthritis setting in, fibromyalgia, and whatever/if any other i may have forgotten to list) all add fuel to the fire. Whether this is a good analogy or not i do not know. I just feel like it's a bit much.
In the past my husband, by best support, has likened me to a climber of a mountain - one with no legs, who climbs with another fully healthy individual. Who has accomplished more? But for now, i think i want to be carried.
Last Saturday night we watched "The Passion of the Christ" movie by Mel Gibson. My mind couldn't help but wander back to the beating and brutality of what Christ endured - for us. I think, but He is God, He can take it. But, alas, He was also human. With human frailities - he felt the pain, the torment, the torture, the rejection, the persecution, and ultimately the moment from what i understand, that God turned away as He carried and brought upon Himself ALL of our sin.
Again, from what I understand, we are partakers of the same divine nature. God's Spirit abides in us -those of us who have become his children - enabling us to do whatever it is that He would ask of us. Here, though, I remember that the Spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.
Monday afternoon i went to a dr. and was diagnosed with sleep apnea. I had prayed it would not be so; mainly i think because of the machine i would probably have to use, which would be another maintenance thing for illnesses. My husband and I had lunch after the diagnosis and he used the analogy of my myriad of illnesses as one being a fire ([maybe] the depression) and all the others (diabetes, periodic paralysis (or something to that affect), igg deficiency, HBP, possible arthritis setting in, fibromyalgia, and whatever/if any other i may have forgotten to list) all add fuel to the fire. Whether this is a good analogy or not i do not know. I just feel like it's a bit much.
In the past my husband, by best support, has likened me to a climber of a mountain - one with no legs, who climbs with another fully healthy individual. Who has accomplished more? But for now, i think i want to be carried.
Monday, February 18, 2008
My childhood was peppered with disappointment - from a father who never seemed to stay at home very long to not being able to take baton lessons, to a mom who didn't (couldn't) show affection, and various other conditions. Doesn't sound too bad, though, when i write it like that. Truth is, compared to a lot it may not have been bad - but for me it ended up resulting in a lot of emotional distress.
My mom once told me dad left within weeks of their marriage - he would just go off and not come home. Years of absences and 5 born and one on the way children later would end in divorce. Then for years it seemed he wasn't around at all, then back in our life here and there. Later, mom remarried and we had a stepfather and later two half-sisters. I tell you this because it brought me to where i am now - a wife and a mother of 3 adult children and 1 daughter in law.
I spent many years angry with my dad over this or that. At one time it had something to do with Christmas gift(s) for his girlfriend's (?) children but not for us. Weird how that bothered me, he didn't seem to want his own kids around but dated women who had them. Another time it got to finally be too much that he would usually lie to us about picking us up and then not show up. I, always seeking to be special and loved, would want to call and ask "Why?". Sometimes mom let me, other times she didn't. I one time realized i felt like i could kick myself if i asked my dad for anything, knowing (but hoping not) that he wouldn't do it. Why did i seek to be "daddy's little girl" from a father who it seeemed didn't really care?
Anyway, as an adult, the pattern continued in an on and off again relationship. I know that at times i was still searching to be important to him, however, whether he says so or not - i don't think i ever really made it.
This leads me to my most recent angry stage. About 4 years ago I learned, as an adult, that dad had left my brothers and I and my mom homeless, and without funds for food or whatever. I had two brothers at the time and another on the way. I guess i knew that dad was gone a lot, but hadn't really connected that he abandoned us and left us with nothing. Later that year dad and I ended up in a discussion on the phone which resulted in him "railing" on one of my sons and my husband. For the first time that I can remember, I hung up on him after a final statement something to the effect of ok, that's it.
That was in the later months of 2004. The next year after a conversation with an aunt I was told about how dad left mom, again pregnant, with no food and no heat when i was young. I was told he did it whenever she was pregnant, which seemed to be most of the marriage. This brought new anger.
Since the phone call in 2004, i had contacted dad twice by mail. One time for his birthday and one time when his brother died. Neither time was it really affectionate, but rather just cordial.
(By the way, after the phone call dad did call back and left a message on the machine (we were gone) about let's just forget about it and go on, etc., not accepting responsibility or an apology, but to me, more like sweep it under the rug kind of thinking.
I tell you this to let you know that last week God brought the realization to me that had dad not divorced mom, she would not have remarried (Paul) who had relatives in South Carolina that we visited in 76 where i met my future husband.
I truly felt like Joseph (story in the Bible) who was sold into slavery by his brothers and later was able to help feed a nation and them as a result of where he had come to be. He was able to forgive his brothers, knowing that what they had meant for evil, God had used for good. For the first time in over three years i actually felt the anger leave and peace take it's place. God is Good!
Please note, this does not relieve dad of his sin but rather relieves me of anger and brings peace. I can now forgive (again) and realize that God truly does work all things together for good for his children.
My mom once told me dad left within weeks of their marriage - he would just go off and not come home. Years of absences and 5 born and one on the way children later would end in divorce. Then for years it seemed he wasn't around at all, then back in our life here and there. Later, mom remarried and we had a stepfather and later two half-sisters. I tell you this because it brought me to where i am now - a wife and a mother of 3 adult children and 1 daughter in law.
I spent many years angry with my dad over this or that. At one time it had something to do with Christmas gift(s) for his girlfriend's (?) children but not for us. Weird how that bothered me, he didn't seem to want his own kids around but dated women who had them. Another time it got to finally be too much that he would usually lie to us about picking us up and then not show up. I, always seeking to be special and loved, would want to call and ask "Why?". Sometimes mom let me, other times she didn't. I one time realized i felt like i could kick myself if i asked my dad for anything, knowing (but hoping not) that he wouldn't do it. Why did i seek to be "daddy's little girl" from a father who it seeemed didn't really care?
Anyway, as an adult, the pattern continued in an on and off again relationship. I know that at times i was still searching to be important to him, however, whether he says so or not - i don't think i ever really made it.
This leads me to my most recent angry stage. About 4 years ago I learned, as an adult, that dad had left my brothers and I and my mom homeless, and without funds for food or whatever. I had two brothers at the time and another on the way. I guess i knew that dad was gone a lot, but hadn't really connected that he abandoned us and left us with nothing. Later that year dad and I ended up in a discussion on the phone which resulted in him "railing" on one of my sons and my husband. For the first time that I can remember, I hung up on him after a final statement something to the effect of ok, that's it.
That was in the later months of 2004. The next year after a conversation with an aunt I was told about how dad left mom, again pregnant, with no food and no heat when i was young. I was told he did it whenever she was pregnant, which seemed to be most of the marriage. This brought new anger.
Since the phone call in 2004, i had contacted dad twice by mail. One time for his birthday and one time when his brother died. Neither time was it really affectionate, but rather just cordial.
(By the way, after the phone call dad did call back and left a message on the machine (we were gone) about let's just forget about it and go on, etc., not accepting responsibility or an apology, but to me, more like sweep it under the rug kind of thinking.
I tell you this to let you know that last week God brought the realization to me that had dad not divorced mom, she would not have remarried (Paul) who had relatives in South Carolina that we visited in 76 where i met my future husband.
I truly felt like Joseph (story in the Bible) who was sold into slavery by his brothers and later was able to help feed a nation and them as a result of where he had come to be. He was able to forgive his brothers, knowing that what they had meant for evil, God had used for good. For the first time in over three years i actually felt the anger leave and peace take it's place. God is Good!
Please note, this does not relieve dad of his sin but rather relieves me of anger and brings peace. I can now forgive (again) and realize that God truly does work all things together for good for his children.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
precious minutes with God
I learned a few things the other nite, rather, it seems, God revealed some applications in my life of a few scriptures that I feel sure I've read before, but had not realized how they applied to me personally.
the first was re: John 17:23, that God loves me as he hath loved Jesus. Can you really grasp that? that he loves us, who are imperfect, sinful, selfish, etc. as much as he loves his one and only perfect Son. For some reason I don't think I ever knew that and it just totally blows me away.
another was re:Ecces. 4:9-10, that "Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work:..." With this God seemed to relate this for me to my marriage and children (now adults). There has been two of us in this marriage - my husband and myself and our good return is our children who are also seeking to follow God. How much harder is it for a family with a single parent? Not that it doesn't work, but how hard it must be for those parents struggling with the responsibilities of all that is required. Whether it be holding down a job, getting them to school, bandageing cuts and scrapes, chauffering them around town, and the list goes on and on.
Thank God that he supplies all the needs of his children. But surely, the pressure I would think, gets immense.
and then there was Isaiah 41:9-10 re the fact that God has not rejected me. For the majority of my life, for whatever reason (personally I believe it was the enemy sowing seeds of doubt) I had trouble with rejection. A number of people in my life recognized it before I did - at one point i was in prayer with others and the person mentioned re my [trouble?] with rejection. I'm like what is he talking about. It would be years later before I myself could see my fear. And now God has told me that He has not rejected me, and even moreso, he will strengthen me and help me and uphold me! How loving and kind he is to care and then enable.
Although I don't spend nearly enough time in His word, I am thankful for even the brief times and that He brings life changing applications even in those.
the first was re: John 17:23, that God loves me as he hath loved Jesus. Can you really grasp that? that he loves us, who are imperfect, sinful, selfish, etc. as much as he loves his one and only perfect Son. For some reason I don't think I ever knew that and it just totally blows me away.
another was re:Ecces. 4:9-10, that "Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work:..." With this God seemed to relate this for me to my marriage and children (now adults). There has been two of us in this marriage - my husband and myself and our good return is our children who are also seeking to follow God. How much harder is it for a family with a single parent? Not that it doesn't work, but how hard it must be for those parents struggling with the responsibilities of all that is required. Whether it be holding down a job, getting them to school, bandageing cuts and scrapes, chauffering them around town, and the list goes on and on.
Thank God that he supplies all the needs of his children. But surely, the pressure I would think, gets immense.
and then there was Isaiah 41:9-10 re the fact that God has not rejected me. For the majority of my life, for whatever reason (personally I believe it was the enemy sowing seeds of doubt) I had trouble with rejection. A number of people in my life recognized it before I did - at one point i was in prayer with others and the person mentioned re my [trouble?] with rejection. I'm like what is he talking about. It would be years later before I myself could see my fear. And now God has told me that He has not rejected me, and even moreso, he will strengthen me and help me and uphold me! How loving and kind he is to care and then enable.
Although I don't spend nearly enough time in His word, I am thankful for even the brief times and that He brings life changing applications even in those.
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