letter to mom

hi mom
doubt you'll ever hear of this - you're not exactly up on techno culture and in your current stage probably wouldn't be able to understand it anyway.

i've been crying for/about you lately. i'm hurt that you're so alone. i'm hurt that your children don't call and check on you and let you know they care, which i think they do, at least i hope they do. i'm sorry you don't have friends and family "doting" on you and ministering to you.

most of us, your children, didn't really have a relationship with you. it was more of an identity. we knew our roles. you're mom, we're the kids. but as i aged i learned more about who you were. you were stronger than we probably ever realized. you lived loving a man who abandoned you over and over, left you with no money, no food, no home, no heat, etc. yet you perservered. maybe you thought that was your only choice, but i know from experience it's not.

you could have chosen to leave us (your kids) as well - but you didn't. although i think you may have left emotionally in some respects, you continued to do what you could to keep us fed and clothed although we balked at it at the time. potted meat, sardines, ketchup on crackers and second hand clothes were a part of life and yet, we never starved that i recall and never went naked. (although aunt carol tells me of finding ricky crawling around with just a diaper on.)

mom, i have no idea how you perserverd through the many years. after paul came into the picture the financial situation changed somewhat, he had a steady job but with 7 kids it still wasn't easy. i know i stole many times for lunches at school and who knows what else. the tension in the house was evident most all the time. i guess none of us really knew how to cope with all that was going on.

we never had affectionate times in our family. none of us were familiar with that. whether that was a result of upbringing, culture, hurts, or whatever doesn't really matter now. i hope i've told you enough that i love you - and thanks. thanks for not taking off, for not quittting, for feeding us, for washing our clothes, for the many cupcakes for school, and countless other things i can't seem to put my finger on (clothes sent to me for my kids, cards, flowers, letters, phone calls, money.......) i'm sorry if i didn't appreciate it enough at the time and a part of me wishes we could go back and i could dwell there for a time - but that is not to be.

i'm so sorry you've been hurt so bad, and so often. my current hope for you is that you may finally have some peace. you've seemed to live so much in anxiety, fear, judgment and what else i do not know. perhaps like me there's also been guilt, shame, remorse....the list could go on and on. i know for me that God has brought redemption; freeing me from so much and i so wish and pray that you could know his awesome love for you.

mom you are truly loved by God and me. i hope that you will somehow know that. i miss you, mom. i am so thankful for the guy that saved you from drowning. I thank God for you, mom, and again, i'm sorry you've had so much pain.