My childhood was peppered with disappointment - from a father who never seemed to stay at home very long to not being able to take baton lessons, to a mom who didn't (couldn't) show affection, and various other conditions. Doesn't sound too bad, though, when i write it like that. Truth is, compared to a lot it may not have been bad - but for me it ended up resulting in a lot of emotional distress.

My mom once told me dad left within weeks of their marriage - he would just go off and not come home. Years of absences and 5 born and one on the way children later would end in divorce. Then for years it seemed he wasn't around at all, then back in our life here and there. Later, mom remarried and we had a stepfather and later two half-sisters. I tell you this because it brought me to where i am now - a wife and a mother of 3 adult children and 1 daughter in law.

I spent many years angry with my dad over this or that. At one time it had something to do with Christmas gift(s) for his girlfriend's (?) children but not for us. Weird how that bothered me, he didn't seem to want his own kids around but dated women who had them. Another time it got to finally be too much that he would usually lie to us about picking us up and then not show up. I, always seeking to be special and loved, would want to call and ask "Why?". Sometimes mom let me, other times she didn't. I one time realized i felt like i could kick myself if i asked my dad for anything, knowing (but hoping not) that he wouldn't do it. Why did i seek to be "daddy's little girl" from a father who it seeemed didn't really care?

Anyway, as an adult, the pattern continued in an on and off again relationship. I know that at times i was still searching to be important to him, however, whether he says so or not - i don't think i ever really made it.

This leads me to my most recent angry stage. About 4 years ago I learned, as an adult, that dad had left my brothers and I and my mom homeless, and without funds for food or whatever. I had two brothers at the time and another on the way. I guess i knew that dad was gone a lot, but hadn't really connected that he abandoned us and left us with nothing. Later that year dad and I ended up in a discussion on the phone which resulted in him "railing" on one of my sons and my husband. For the first time that I can remember, I hung up on him after a final statement something to the effect of ok, that's it.

That was in the later months of 2004. The next year after a conversation with an aunt I was told about how dad left mom, again pregnant, with no food and no heat when i was young. I was told he did it whenever she was pregnant, which seemed to be most of the marriage. This brought new anger.

Since the phone call in 2004, i had contacted dad twice by mail. One time for his birthday and one time when his brother died. Neither time was it really affectionate, but rather just cordial.
(By the way, after the phone call dad did call back and left a message on the machine (we were gone) about let's just forget about it and go on, etc., not accepting responsibility or an apology, but to me, more like sweep it under the rug kind of thinking.

I tell you this to let you know that last week God brought the realization to me that had dad not divorced mom, she would not have remarried (Paul) who had relatives in South Carolina that we visited in 76 where i met my future husband.

I truly felt like Joseph (story in the Bible) who was sold into slavery by his brothers and later was able to help feed a nation and them as a result of where he had come to be. He was able to forgive his brothers, knowing that what they had meant for evil, God had used for good. For the first time in over three years i actually felt the anger leave and peace take it's place. God is Good!

Please note, this does not relieve dad of his sin but rather relieves me of anger and brings peace. I can now forgive (again) and realize that God truly does work all things together for good for his children.