watching out for identity disorders

well, months have come and gone, and although i'm not sure of what to post, i feel it necessary to at least say something. so here goes...

life is seldom what we want it to be, or at least seem to THINK we want it to be, at least for a time. it's all about what God wants it to be. albeit, if we're totally sold out to God we would be all about wanting what God wants and thus it would be about what we want it to be, wouldn't it? (is this a conundrum? though i'm not sure that word would truly apply here.)

you'd think that as a christian i'd have learned this, and i have, but it seems to me that it's taken an extensive amount of time to surrender to it, though i do believe it's something we must do daily, even as often as moment by moment or opportunity by opportunity. we need to surrender in more than an intellectual way or perhpas it's merely a more total surrender. you know, you give this and then this and then this until you've finally surrendered it all. perhaps we've surrendered only to "escape" from the surrendering (i.e. we've snatched "it" (whatever that may be for us individually) and then need to surrender again. hopefully, with surrendering comes the realization that it truly is "all about Him". i'd venture to say this would run along the lines of what was discussed with the struggle between the spirit and the flesh. in our spirit we know it's all about God's plan and he knows best, but our fleshly, human side (with all of its emotions and thoughts, etc) want what we want; and we generally seem to "want it now".

so...in recognizing it's all about Him and his will, do i matter? i mean, He has a plan so do i really need to be here? am i needed for his plan? if not, i guess he'd take me out. i heard something to that effect quite a number of years ago. if salvation were God's only goal for me then he would take me out of here (i.e. eartly living) as soon as i received it. the fact that i'm alive, still here on the earth must mean there's a purpose for it to be so.

the thing is, the trouble i have, is figuring out where i fit into this plan. as a mom whose children have all flown from the nest in far distances, i question where do i fit? "mom" was a role that consumed a huge part of me and with their leaving i find myself wondering. i recently tried to explain this to my husband as i mentioned his working somewhere for 30 years and then being unemployed by the company. granted, i still have a role as "mom" but it's vastly different.

also, my mom passed away last summer and i've had very little (no verbal) contact with my father for over 5 years so my role as a "daughter" has also changed dramatically.

as a "sister" in a family of seven, i rarely receive contact from siblings living in other states and in fact, during the time of my mom's passing and since, many of those relationships became estranged; this carries on to the role of "aunt" as well.

as a "believer" i've been in three different churches/fellowships during the past three years as my husband and i seek where God would have us and still can"t seem to "fit in". prior to this we were members of a church for approx 16 years and have had many acquaintances but very few good friends.

i often think "it must be me". "i don't fit". some of this is my problem, some, perhaps, the actions/behaviors of others. the truth is that if it's only me and God that should be sufficient. however, my emotions don't often seem to line up with that.

so...to sum it up; my roles do not make my identity though they seem to give me a sense, or lack thereof, of worth. this is not to say that they should, but that we often derive feelings of worth from what we do or who we are in the human sense and how people respond or don't respond to us. in actuality the goal, i believe, would be to believe what God says. i am his, i am precious in his sight, he will sing and dance over me, he rejoices in me, he will discipline me (because he loves me) and so on.

hope i didn't totally rattle off and lose any of you...i was having trouble getting these thoughts out, and i'm really not whining, just trying to process. signing off 8/24/10.