is there something in your eye?

it is hard for me to understand

the various ways of God

of how a friend seems not to care

and why it is allowed



a friend who does not show concern

or spend time listening to me

a friend who is too busy - too busy to see my need



and then i came to realize

i sometimes do the same

this e-mail i'll read later

or i'll phone another day

i really ought to drop a note

or stop by and say hello



the plank i see is in my eye -

my friend is not alone



FHG/bkm

hummingbirds at last!!

we have arrived!! there have been approximately 4 sightings of hummingbirds at my mother's day gift feeder :-) and here I was having doubts about having spent the money on it. now, two months later we see results. and isn't that sometimes the way of it? we put forth effort, money, time, whatever and seemingly for lack of anything to show for it - and then - WHAM - the blessings appear. what a reminder, to me anyway, that we need to at times wait, and then see the blessings of the LORD; bearing in mind, though, that some we may not see this side of heaven. will try to post a pic if i can get one (the things move so fast :-))

beauty of creation

my husband and i purchased and planted a butterfly bush last month, and although it only has one 'blossoming' stem on it, i saw my first butterfly yesterday. it brought such a sense of beauty to me. it was a small butterfly, only about 1 1/2 inches across, orange colored. it flew away before i could see it well, but then landed on the ground near our back steps where i was able to gaze at it for a little bit, then flew off.

i can't really explain, i guess, how that brought me hope. to be able to see beauty in God's creation and that He would bless me by allowing me to see it.

there is a quote i like "all i have seen teaches me to trust the Creator for all I have not seen" by Ralph Waldo Emerson. God is good. He has painted us a beautiful world, and although it has been marred by the wickedness and evil of sin, He still allows us to glimpse its beauty, if we, but take time to look.

my friend, nora, is finding joy in the same way. looking at God's creation and encouraging me to do the same. i hope to see more, as life without it is so bleak and dark.

I am depression

I am depression

I mask myself as truth

I hide in many ways

preventing discernment and sound thinking

masking myself as indifference

playing the role of victim

I envelop darkness to a point

there is no light

the torment I create is real, the

torture I impart arduous and long

I hold my victims for lifetimes,

granting a reprieve

only on occasion and then only

if it will seek to build them up

so I can tear them down again

I ravage and tear my victims

wounding them for life

rendering them inoperable on

a daily basis -- unable to function in society

I destroy their hope, I steal it

from them that they may know

no joy or peace

I fuel anger; stirring

up annoyance with other people

I lie to my victims telling them there is no hope

telling them they are alone

telling them no one cares or

"it" won't really matter

I isolate -- breaking off

valuable, nurturing relationships

I strike out at those who

love them most

My ultimate victory

is Death.



I wrote this about 4 years ago. A time in which i lived pretty much daily in its grasp. I thank God that He allowed me to eventually learn the truth. That it is the enemy, Satan, who brings this. As God's word states, the enemy comes to "steal, kill and destroy". That, to me, is what depression does.



I find myself again falling into its grip -- struggling not to, but seemingly unable to resist. I pray that God will fight for me, as I am weak. If you also share in this struggle, my prayers go out that God will deliver and heal. It is not God's will that we be defeated, although the enemy seeks to keep that truth from us.



By God's grace may we rise above.FHG/bkm

"Lord, is it warfare?"...

how do you call someone at 2 or 3 in the morning because you're lonely? i guess you really don't. I realize God is the one who is with us always, but like i've heard said..."sometimes you just want someone with skin on". the thing is i really don't know what i want to say, or what is really wrong, just sad or lonely or something -- maybe even bored. I realize it would be a good time to get into the Word, but alas, the flesh truly is weak and often reigns or so it seems.



i've had trouble sleeping for probably at least 5 years. the only thing consistent about it is that it's inconsistent. i slept a while last night and was up around 9pm and stayed awake until about 7 am, then slept til about 10 i guess and here i am, awake as my husband sleeps.



the fact that i can't drive anywhere makes it worse, although my husband wouldn't "let" me do that anyway, at least not at night or early in the morning.



i do have a son near the west coast who is 3 hours behind us, so he'd probably be up, but i really don't know what's wrong and hate to bug him unless i'm in a crisis, which happened a couple of weeks ago but that i didn't reach out to anyone much during. it is my hope that my husband would call others to pray, but, he doesn't always think like me. (go figure :-)



so, a couple of weekends ago i was in the pit, not totally sure why after doing so well for so many months, but the suicidal thoughts were beckoning. After about 4 days of it it passed pretty much but again this week i'm struggling. i can't seem to accomplish much of anything, my momentum is pretty much nil, and as another blogger wrote, something to the affect that my creativity is waning. i want to do things, but can't seem to get much accomplished.



during a conversation with my brother he mentioned maybe it was a spiritual war and that maybe i wasn't suppose to do anything, but that the Holy Spirit was to fight it. i believe he was/is right. It has to be the Lord's battle and not mine, but while it's going on what do i do? I guess the right answer is to PRAY PRAY PRAY and REST in Him. difficult for someone who usually feels the need to "perform".



another poem - written some time ago - expressing my frustration at the time



how to be a christian

I would like to know

how to live in faith

and to not let my fear show

how to trust completely

in everything i do

how to think on good thoughts

whate'er i'm going through



it seems it should be easy

just believe the word they say

but how do you believe

when Satan comes your way

he steals your peace of mind

and snatches at the truth

he leaves me full of doubts and fears

not knowing what to do



how to be a christian

and trust God totally

how to be a christian

seems mighty hard to me



how to be a christian

i'd really like to know

living daily in His grace

trusting as I go



It seems there's always questions

roaming in my mind

what's the answer to this

your way i cannot find



how to be a christian

it seems i never find

i think it's more than likely

that i will lose my mind



how to live in victory

what a joyful thought

for this very purpose

i find i have been bought



bought by the blood of Jesus

saved to the uttermost

but yet i cannot feel it

it seems is still am lost



lost in a spiritual warfare

waiting for my time to come

when i shall live with Jesus

and then the battle's done



"a perspective of one who's saved [but] suffering from mental illness"

FHG/bkm

Awesome Love of God

ok, so i am climbing a mountain (referring to last post), however God is enabling me to go on. After a week of going to two different doctors and learning of two additional medical conditions that will require follow up testing and probably (unless as prayed for there is divine healing) treatment and/or surgery and who knows what else i realized that, for me, my entire life on this side of heaven is a mountain. However, i also know that God has a plan for me and nothing can thwart that so i need to rest in him.

Not always easy to do, for sure. However, as mentioned I believe previously, we have the divine indwelling of the Holy Spirit who will intercede for us. I think I just get too bogged down with earthly concerns at times to draw near to him and ask for his enablement. To even do that is not easy because i must lay aside the worldly distractions.

I have a little placque i found some time ago that says "I found love in an awesome God". That sums up a lot for me. He is the one who loves me as I am and wants what's best for me and can see to it that that happens. Coming from a childhood and young adult life of not knowing what true love was like, it blows me away that God would care so much, and that in turn, he enables me and teaches me to love in that same way. Knowing how much I love my children, as a human, and would not want harm for them, how much more does God want good for me?

Anyway, i press on, by His grace and "for His Glory" that others may know he loves them too. Suffering does have a purpose, and although it's not fun at the time, it does reap a benefit. Praise God!!