Plagued with emotional and physical health issues the last 20 or so years is becoming a bit overwhelming. Rather, not a bit, but a lot! I ask "how much more" or "can't I just be healed" and struggle with why.
Last Saturday night we watched "The Passion of the Christ" movie by Mel Gibson. My mind couldn't help but wander back to the beating and brutality of what Christ endured - for us. I think, but He is God, He can take it. But, alas, He was also human. With human frailities - he felt the pain, the torment, the torture, the rejection, the persecution, and ultimately the moment from what i understand, that God turned away as He carried and brought upon Himself ALL of our sin.
Again, from what I understand, we are partakers of the same divine nature. God's Spirit abides in us -those of us who have become his children - enabling us to do whatever it is that He would ask of us. Here, though, I remember that the Spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.
Monday afternoon i went to a dr. and was diagnosed with sleep apnea. I had prayed it would not be so; mainly i think because of the machine i would probably have to use, which would be another maintenance thing for illnesses. My husband and I had lunch after the diagnosis and he used the analogy of my myriad of illnesses as one being a fire ([maybe] the depression) and all the others (diabetes, periodic paralysis (or something to that affect), igg deficiency, HBP, possible arthritis setting in, fibromyalgia, and whatever/if any other i may have forgotten to list) all add fuel to the fire. Whether this is a good analogy or not i do not know. I just feel like it's a bit much.
In the past my husband, by best support, has likened me to a climber of a mountain - one with no legs, who climbs with another fully healthy individual. Who has accomplished more? But for now, i think i want to be carried.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Monday, February 18, 2008
My childhood was peppered with disappointment - from a father who never seemed to stay at home very long to not being able to take baton lessons, to a mom who didn't (couldn't) show affection, and various other conditions. Doesn't sound too bad, though, when i write it like that. Truth is, compared to a lot it may not have been bad - but for me it ended up resulting in a lot of emotional distress.
My mom once told me dad left within weeks of their marriage - he would just go off and not come home. Years of absences and 5 born and one on the way children later would end in divorce. Then for years it seemed he wasn't around at all, then back in our life here and there. Later, mom remarried and we had a stepfather and later two half-sisters. I tell you this because it brought me to where i am now - a wife and a mother of 3 adult children and 1 daughter in law.
I spent many years angry with my dad over this or that. At one time it had something to do with Christmas gift(s) for his girlfriend's (?) children but not for us. Weird how that bothered me, he didn't seem to want his own kids around but dated women who had them. Another time it got to finally be too much that he would usually lie to us about picking us up and then not show up. I, always seeking to be special and loved, would want to call and ask "Why?". Sometimes mom let me, other times she didn't. I one time realized i felt like i could kick myself if i asked my dad for anything, knowing (but hoping not) that he wouldn't do it. Why did i seek to be "daddy's little girl" from a father who it seeemed didn't really care?
Anyway, as an adult, the pattern continued in an on and off again relationship. I know that at times i was still searching to be important to him, however, whether he says so or not - i don't think i ever really made it.
This leads me to my most recent angry stage. About 4 years ago I learned, as an adult, that dad had left my brothers and I and my mom homeless, and without funds for food or whatever. I had two brothers at the time and another on the way. I guess i knew that dad was gone a lot, but hadn't really connected that he abandoned us and left us with nothing. Later that year dad and I ended up in a discussion on the phone which resulted in him "railing" on one of my sons and my husband. For the first time that I can remember, I hung up on him after a final statement something to the effect of ok, that's it.
That was in the later months of 2004. The next year after a conversation with an aunt I was told about how dad left mom, again pregnant, with no food and no heat when i was young. I was told he did it whenever she was pregnant, which seemed to be most of the marriage. This brought new anger.
Since the phone call in 2004, i had contacted dad twice by mail. One time for his birthday and one time when his brother died. Neither time was it really affectionate, but rather just cordial.
(By the way, after the phone call dad did call back and left a message on the machine (we were gone) about let's just forget about it and go on, etc., not accepting responsibility or an apology, but to me, more like sweep it under the rug kind of thinking.
I tell you this to let you know that last week God brought the realization to me that had dad not divorced mom, she would not have remarried (Paul) who had relatives in South Carolina that we visited in 76 where i met my future husband.
I truly felt like Joseph (story in the Bible) who was sold into slavery by his brothers and later was able to help feed a nation and them as a result of where he had come to be. He was able to forgive his brothers, knowing that what they had meant for evil, God had used for good. For the first time in over three years i actually felt the anger leave and peace take it's place. God is Good!
Please note, this does not relieve dad of his sin but rather relieves me of anger and brings peace. I can now forgive (again) and realize that God truly does work all things together for good for his children.
My mom once told me dad left within weeks of their marriage - he would just go off and not come home. Years of absences and 5 born and one on the way children later would end in divorce. Then for years it seemed he wasn't around at all, then back in our life here and there. Later, mom remarried and we had a stepfather and later two half-sisters. I tell you this because it brought me to where i am now - a wife and a mother of 3 adult children and 1 daughter in law.
I spent many years angry with my dad over this or that. At one time it had something to do with Christmas gift(s) for his girlfriend's (?) children but not for us. Weird how that bothered me, he didn't seem to want his own kids around but dated women who had them. Another time it got to finally be too much that he would usually lie to us about picking us up and then not show up. I, always seeking to be special and loved, would want to call and ask "Why?". Sometimes mom let me, other times she didn't. I one time realized i felt like i could kick myself if i asked my dad for anything, knowing (but hoping not) that he wouldn't do it. Why did i seek to be "daddy's little girl" from a father who it seeemed didn't really care?
Anyway, as an adult, the pattern continued in an on and off again relationship. I know that at times i was still searching to be important to him, however, whether he says so or not - i don't think i ever really made it.
This leads me to my most recent angry stage. About 4 years ago I learned, as an adult, that dad had left my brothers and I and my mom homeless, and without funds for food or whatever. I had two brothers at the time and another on the way. I guess i knew that dad was gone a lot, but hadn't really connected that he abandoned us and left us with nothing. Later that year dad and I ended up in a discussion on the phone which resulted in him "railing" on one of my sons and my husband. For the first time that I can remember, I hung up on him after a final statement something to the effect of ok, that's it.
That was in the later months of 2004. The next year after a conversation with an aunt I was told about how dad left mom, again pregnant, with no food and no heat when i was young. I was told he did it whenever she was pregnant, which seemed to be most of the marriage. This brought new anger.
Since the phone call in 2004, i had contacted dad twice by mail. One time for his birthday and one time when his brother died. Neither time was it really affectionate, but rather just cordial.
(By the way, after the phone call dad did call back and left a message on the machine (we were gone) about let's just forget about it and go on, etc., not accepting responsibility or an apology, but to me, more like sweep it under the rug kind of thinking.
I tell you this to let you know that last week God brought the realization to me that had dad not divorced mom, she would not have remarried (Paul) who had relatives in South Carolina that we visited in 76 where i met my future husband.
I truly felt like Joseph (story in the Bible) who was sold into slavery by his brothers and later was able to help feed a nation and them as a result of where he had come to be. He was able to forgive his brothers, knowing that what they had meant for evil, God had used for good. For the first time in over three years i actually felt the anger leave and peace take it's place. God is Good!
Please note, this does not relieve dad of his sin but rather relieves me of anger and brings peace. I can now forgive (again) and realize that God truly does work all things together for good for his children.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
precious minutes with God
I learned a few things the other nite, rather, it seems, God revealed some applications in my life of a few scriptures that I feel sure I've read before, but had not realized how they applied to me personally.
the first was re: John 17:23, that God loves me as he hath loved Jesus. Can you really grasp that? that he loves us, who are imperfect, sinful, selfish, etc. as much as he loves his one and only perfect Son. For some reason I don't think I ever knew that and it just totally blows me away.
another was re:Ecces. 4:9-10, that "Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work:..." With this God seemed to relate this for me to my marriage and children (now adults). There has been two of us in this marriage - my husband and myself and our good return is our children who are also seeking to follow God. How much harder is it for a family with a single parent? Not that it doesn't work, but how hard it must be for those parents struggling with the responsibilities of all that is required. Whether it be holding down a job, getting them to school, bandageing cuts and scrapes, chauffering them around town, and the list goes on and on.
Thank God that he supplies all the needs of his children. But surely, the pressure I would think, gets immense.
and then there was Isaiah 41:9-10 re the fact that God has not rejected me. For the majority of my life, for whatever reason (personally I believe it was the enemy sowing seeds of doubt) I had trouble with rejection. A number of people in my life recognized it before I did - at one point i was in prayer with others and the person mentioned re my [trouble?] with rejection. I'm like what is he talking about. It would be years later before I myself could see my fear. And now God has told me that He has not rejected me, and even moreso, he will strengthen me and help me and uphold me! How loving and kind he is to care and then enable.
Although I don't spend nearly enough time in His word, I am thankful for even the brief times and that He brings life changing applications even in those.
the first was re: John 17:23, that God loves me as he hath loved Jesus. Can you really grasp that? that he loves us, who are imperfect, sinful, selfish, etc. as much as he loves his one and only perfect Son. For some reason I don't think I ever knew that and it just totally blows me away.
another was re:Ecces. 4:9-10, that "Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work:..." With this God seemed to relate this for me to my marriage and children (now adults). There has been two of us in this marriage - my husband and myself and our good return is our children who are also seeking to follow God. How much harder is it for a family with a single parent? Not that it doesn't work, but how hard it must be for those parents struggling with the responsibilities of all that is required. Whether it be holding down a job, getting them to school, bandageing cuts and scrapes, chauffering them around town, and the list goes on and on.
Thank God that he supplies all the needs of his children. But surely, the pressure I would think, gets immense.
and then there was Isaiah 41:9-10 re the fact that God has not rejected me. For the majority of my life, for whatever reason (personally I believe it was the enemy sowing seeds of doubt) I had trouble with rejection. A number of people in my life recognized it before I did - at one point i was in prayer with others and the person mentioned re my [trouble?] with rejection. I'm like what is he talking about. It would be years later before I myself could see my fear. And now God has told me that He has not rejected me, and even moreso, he will strengthen me and help me and uphold me! How loving and kind he is to care and then enable.
Although I don't spend nearly enough time in His word, I am thankful for even the brief times and that He brings life changing applications even in those.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Introduction to me
To whomever may read this I'd like to introduce myself. My name is Brenda and this blog was a birthday gift from my daughter. My intro page pretty much says it as to how i like to express myself through writing - whether it's a note to my children (now adults) or to friends or myself, i seek to put into words that which i believe the LORD would have me "say". I seem to have more ease in saying something through words rather than the verbal route, though I know I use both.
As my daughter, Nicole, wrote in the intro, my hope in life is that the writings and what i do in life would be "For His Glory"; and the who in "His" is God the Father, Jesus the Son and the Holy Spirit; three yet one. Many times I fail, but God willing, the summation of my life will reflect that I wanted for Him to be glorified as my goal. The very fact that my daughter recognizes it is a blessing and confirmation in itself. I cried when I read the intro.
My daughter is anxious for me to "post" and so comes the following:
"Lullaby from the Father"
"Shhh" my child
fret not thyself
For I am on the
throne
I will keep you
safe from harm
As on to sleep
you go
I love you child,
you're dear to me
And this love
it has no end
Peace to you
from my own heart
As now you lay
your head
No matter what
the night may bring
Remember this my
child
Have no fear
for I am near
And hold you in my arms./FHG/bkm
Many times as i've went to bed I've felt the need for comforting words...I sought a personal note from God, and it seemed to me He gave me these words. I hope it will bless and encourage others.
brenda
As my daughter, Nicole, wrote in the intro, my hope in life is that the writings and what i do in life would be "For His Glory"; and the who in "His" is God the Father, Jesus the Son and the Holy Spirit; three yet one. Many times I fail, but God willing, the summation of my life will reflect that I wanted for Him to be glorified as my goal. The very fact that my daughter recognizes it is a blessing and confirmation in itself. I cried when I read the intro.
My daughter is anxious for me to "post" and so comes the following:
"Lullaby from the Father"
"Shhh" my child
fret not thyself
For I am on the
throne
I will keep you
safe from harm
As on to sleep
you go
I love you child,
you're dear to me
And this love
it has no end
Peace to you
from my own heart
As now you lay
your head
No matter what
the night may bring
Remember this my
child
Have no fear
for I am near
And hold you in my arms./FHG/bkm
Many times as i've went to bed I've felt the need for comforting words...I sought a personal note from God, and it seemed to me He gave me these words. I hope it will bless and encourage others.
brenda
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Placeholder
Hello -
I am the creator of the blog - but will not be the author. I'm hoping my mother will do that.
For as long as I can remember my mom has kept journals, written poetry, and done a variety of artsy things.
It's my hope that she'll decide to share some of her writings and pictures of her artwork up here for others to share.
The blog title of "For His Glory" is the signature she uses on her work in recent years. I believe it to be a good title for her blog. I truly believe that "For His Glory" is my mother's heart.
Hopefully we'll hear from Brenda soon.
Nicole
I am the creator of the blog - but will not be the author. I'm hoping my mother will do that.
For as long as I can remember my mom has kept journals, written poetry, and done a variety of artsy things.
It's my hope that she'll decide to share some of her writings and pictures of her artwork up here for others to share.
The blog title of "For His Glory" is the signature she uses on her work in recent years. I believe it to be a good title for her blog. I truly believe that "For His Glory" is my mother's heart.
Hopefully we'll hear from Brenda soon.
Nicole
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