letter to mom

hi mom
doubt you'll ever hear of this - you're not exactly up on techno culture and in your current stage probably wouldn't be able to understand it anyway.

i've been crying for/about you lately. i'm hurt that you're so alone. i'm hurt that your children don't call and check on you and let you know they care, which i think they do, at least i hope they do. i'm sorry you don't have friends and family "doting" on you and ministering to you.

most of us, your children, didn't really have a relationship with you. it was more of an identity. we knew our roles. you're mom, we're the kids. but as i aged i learned more about who you were. you were stronger than we probably ever realized. you lived loving a man who abandoned you over and over, left you with no money, no food, no home, no heat, etc. yet you perservered. maybe you thought that was your only choice, but i know from experience it's not.

you could have chosen to leave us (your kids) as well - but you didn't. although i think you may have left emotionally in some respects, you continued to do what you could to keep us fed and clothed although we balked at it at the time. potted meat, sardines, ketchup on crackers and second hand clothes were a part of life and yet, we never starved that i recall and never went naked. (although aunt carol tells me of finding ricky crawling around with just a diaper on.)

mom, i have no idea how you perserverd through the many years. after paul came into the picture the financial situation changed somewhat, he had a steady job but with 7 kids it still wasn't easy. i know i stole many times for lunches at school and who knows what else. the tension in the house was evident most all the time. i guess none of us really knew how to cope with all that was going on.

we never had affectionate times in our family. none of us were familiar with that. whether that was a result of upbringing, culture, hurts, or whatever doesn't really matter now. i hope i've told you enough that i love you - and thanks. thanks for not taking off, for not quittting, for feeding us, for washing our clothes, for the many cupcakes for school, and countless other things i can't seem to put my finger on (clothes sent to me for my kids, cards, flowers, letters, phone calls, money.......) i'm sorry if i didn't appreciate it enough at the time and a part of me wishes we could go back and i could dwell there for a time - but that is not to be.

i'm so sorry you've been hurt so bad, and so often. my current hope for you is that you may finally have some peace. you've seemed to live so much in anxiety, fear, judgment and what else i do not know. perhaps like me there's also been guilt, shame, remorse....the list could go on and on. i know for me that God has brought redemption; freeing me from so much and i so wish and pray that you could know his awesome love for you.

mom you are truly loved by God and me. i hope that you will somehow know that. i miss you, mom. i am so thankful for the guy that saved you from drowning. I thank God for you, mom, and again, i'm sorry you've had so much pain.

is there something in your eye?

it is hard for me to understand

the various ways of God

of how a friend seems not to care

and why it is allowed



a friend who does not show concern

or spend time listening to me

a friend who is too busy - too busy to see my need



and then i came to realize

i sometimes do the same

this e-mail i'll read later

or i'll phone another day

i really ought to drop a note

or stop by and say hello



the plank i see is in my eye -

my friend is not alone



FHG/bkm

hummingbirds at last!!

we have arrived!! there have been approximately 4 sightings of hummingbirds at my mother's day gift feeder :-) and here I was having doubts about having spent the money on it. now, two months later we see results. and isn't that sometimes the way of it? we put forth effort, money, time, whatever and seemingly for lack of anything to show for it - and then - WHAM - the blessings appear. what a reminder, to me anyway, that we need to at times wait, and then see the blessings of the LORD; bearing in mind, though, that some we may not see this side of heaven. will try to post a pic if i can get one (the things move so fast :-))

beauty of creation

my husband and i purchased and planted a butterfly bush last month, and although it only has one 'blossoming' stem on it, i saw my first butterfly yesterday. it brought such a sense of beauty to me. it was a small butterfly, only about 1 1/2 inches across, orange colored. it flew away before i could see it well, but then landed on the ground near our back steps where i was able to gaze at it for a little bit, then flew off.

i can't really explain, i guess, how that brought me hope. to be able to see beauty in God's creation and that He would bless me by allowing me to see it.

there is a quote i like "all i have seen teaches me to trust the Creator for all I have not seen" by Ralph Waldo Emerson. God is good. He has painted us a beautiful world, and although it has been marred by the wickedness and evil of sin, He still allows us to glimpse its beauty, if we, but take time to look.

my friend, nora, is finding joy in the same way. looking at God's creation and encouraging me to do the same. i hope to see more, as life without it is so bleak and dark.

I am depression

I am depression

I mask myself as truth

I hide in many ways

preventing discernment and sound thinking

masking myself as indifference

playing the role of victim

I envelop darkness to a point

there is no light

the torment I create is real, the

torture I impart arduous and long

I hold my victims for lifetimes,

granting a reprieve

only on occasion and then only

if it will seek to build them up

so I can tear them down again

I ravage and tear my victims

wounding them for life

rendering them inoperable on

a daily basis -- unable to function in society

I destroy their hope, I steal it

from them that they may know

no joy or peace

I fuel anger; stirring

up annoyance with other people

I lie to my victims telling them there is no hope

telling them they are alone

telling them no one cares or

"it" won't really matter

I isolate -- breaking off

valuable, nurturing relationships

I strike out at those who

love them most

My ultimate victory

is Death.



I wrote this about 4 years ago. A time in which i lived pretty much daily in its grasp. I thank God that He allowed me to eventually learn the truth. That it is the enemy, Satan, who brings this. As God's word states, the enemy comes to "steal, kill and destroy". That, to me, is what depression does.



I find myself again falling into its grip -- struggling not to, but seemingly unable to resist. I pray that God will fight for me, as I am weak. If you also share in this struggle, my prayers go out that God will deliver and heal. It is not God's will that we be defeated, although the enemy seeks to keep that truth from us.



By God's grace may we rise above.FHG/bkm

"Lord, is it warfare?"...

how do you call someone at 2 or 3 in the morning because you're lonely? i guess you really don't. I realize God is the one who is with us always, but like i've heard said..."sometimes you just want someone with skin on". the thing is i really don't know what i want to say, or what is really wrong, just sad or lonely or something -- maybe even bored. I realize it would be a good time to get into the Word, but alas, the flesh truly is weak and often reigns or so it seems.



i've had trouble sleeping for probably at least 5 years. the only thing consistent about it is that it's inconsistent. i slept a while last night and was up around 9pm and stayed awake until about 7 am, then slept til about 10 i guess and here i am, awake as my husband sleeps.



the fact that i can't drive anywhere makes it worse, although my husband wouldn't "let" me do that anyway, at least not at night or early in the morning.



i do have a son near the west coast who is 3 hours behind us, so he'd probably be up, but i really don't know what's wrong and hate to bug him unless i'm in a crisis, which happened a couple of weeks ago but that i didn't reach out to anyone much during. it is my hope that my husband would call others to pray, but, he doesn't always think like me. (go figure :-)



so, a couple of weekends ago i was in the pit, not totally sure why after doing so well for so many months, but the suicidal thoughts were beckoning. After about 4 days of it it passed pretty much but again this week i'm struggling. i can't seem to accomplish much of anything, my momentum is pretty much nil, and as another blogger wrote, something to the affect that my creativity is waning. i want to do things, but can't seem to get much accomplished.



during a conversation with my brother he mentioned maybe it was a spiritual war and that maybe i wasn't suppose to do anything, but that the Holy Spirit was to fight it. i believe he was/is right. It has to be the Lord's battle and not mine, but while it's going on what do i do? I guess the right answer is to PRAY PRAY PRAY and REST in Him. difficult for someone who usually feels the need to "perform".



another poem - written some time ago - expressing my frustration at the time



how to be a christian

I would like to know

how to live in faith

and to not let my fear show

how to trust completely

in everything i do

how to think on good thoughts

whate'er i'm going through



it seems it should be easy

just believe the word they say

but how do you believe

when Satan comes your way

he steals your peace of mind

and snatches at the truth

he leaves me full of doubts and fears

not knowing what to do



how to be a christian

and trust God totally

how to be a christian

seems mighty hard to me



how to be a christian

i'd really like to know

living daily in His grace

trusting as I go



It seems there's always questions

roaming in my mind

what's the answer to this

your way i cannot find



how to be a christian

it seems i never find

i think it's more than likely

that i will lose my mind



how to live in victory

what a joyful thought

for this very purpose

i find i have been bought



bought by the blood of Jesus

saved to the uttermost

but yet i cannot feel it

it seems is still am lost



lost in a spiritual warfare

waiting for my time to come

when i shall live with Jesus

and then the battle's done



"a perspective of one who's saved [but] suffering from mental illness"

FHG/bkm