"let your conversation be..."

why is it that so often we let out the worst of ourselves and cause pain to others? why can we not just control ourselves better, be nicer, kinder, considerate and think beyond our own self-centered desires?

i hurt my husband today, with words - again - and, actions. seems i do that a lot. at least to me it does. i've done it to many i love and at the time i guess i'm just thinking "if....you'd done that, or said this, or just thought, ...then....." when in reality i'm the one who should not have... "done that or said this or just thought" and then put voice and action to my thoughts.

once words are out they cannot be taken back, regardless of the apologies or thoughtful, kind, loving words after. the resulting emotion(s) are not easily discarded. they can hurt for moments, hours, days, and sometimes years. i've known this from first hand experience; both from being on the speaking and hearing side of conversations and in the doing and seeing of various behavior.

i know God has addressed this problem - more than once - through His word. we are to exhort, encourage, edify, lift up, bless, and other various profitable communicative ways - yet we so often do the opposite. I know he addresses this as well - that evil is there to do that which i do not want to do - and i'm sorry for the many times i've failed and allowed that evil to flow from either my words, actions, inaction, or however else i may have succombed.

for those i've hurt, i'm sorry. God, my husband, my children, my extended family, friends, acquaintances, and those i may have just been rude to who i've come across; forgive me - and pray that i'll do better, that i will choose God's Spirit over the desires of the flesh.

pit stops

i don't know much about racing, but remember when i was young watching movies or something and the pit crew would hold up signs for the drivers racing around to come in to the pit.

guess that's where i am

for whatever reason i'm in a pit stop

i guess they'd change tires, lube, whatever was necessary to keep the car in order so that it could continue the race

perhaps that's what God is doing for me

personally i'm tired of pit stops, especially when they take a while and take me back to the pit of despair and bring with it feelings of despair and wanting to escape

wonder how the driver felt being out of the race - knowing, probably that it was needed, but possibly feeling "what a nuisance"

although, in truth, a nuisance it's not - at least not for a car race

maintenance is necessary to keep it going

what maintenance or preventive care am i needing?

anniversary journey

28 years ago i began a journey. it actually began the day before with a wedding. my wedding. my son had turned one on the 12th and then on the 13th i married my husband. we had met 4 years earlier during a family vacation and had corresponded through letters for 4 years. i had seen him only once during that time, a few months before the wedding. we had each went on with our lives but continued to keep in touch.

i believe life for me needed to change and marrying him was the ticket. it would take me states away from what i knew and away from from my family - but boy was it worth it! i had no idea what was in store.

so, 28 years later i'm thinking this morning of the u-haul we rented and loaded (complete with diaper pail) and the journey that began.

we travelled for over 2 days, and i learned from the beginning that we had trouble conversing with each other. the first night we ended up in some out of the way place at some motel with a one year old needing to be fed. my husband had made a wrong turn. he went out and got scrambled eggs for our son to eat and brought it back to the room. me - i longed for a "holiday inn" thinking it was like the "ritz". the second night we thought we were at a holiday inn only to find we had taken the wrong driveway and ended up at some other place. whatever.... on the third day we ended up at our new home, a small apt.

life went on for a number of years getting to know each other, talk of divorce entered the conversation a number of times, once even suggested by a "minister", but, thank God it never came to be.

years later i would become a christian, born again by the grace of God and i became a new creature. we now had three children. and then depression hit with such a force that i became incapable of functioning and needed to be hospitalized, not once, but many times since. this particular journey would take detours, but would be with us for a very long time. it has only been within the last year , thank God, that a sustained healing has come, and even with healing there are occasional road blocks that seem to stop me.

now, 28 years later, i think about the journey. we've been through a lot, i frequently think my husband has been through the roughest part (being on the recipient end of my moods, etc), but know that we both have travelled. by God's grace and goodness we have perservered and are celebrating. i never thought i'd be married this long. i wasn't familiar with marriages that did not use divorce as an option. pretty much all i knew was that married people didn't really like each other. God has shown me a different way.

when my oldest son was married in 2004 they had dancing at the reception. at one point they had couples on the dance floor and and asked couples to leave the floor when their years of marriage were counted out (1, 5, etc.). i was excited when the last two couples were my husband and i and my my daughter-in-law's' parents. they beat us out :-) but what a legacy; to know both their parents had "stuck it out" so to speak.

we are unaware of what will actually lay ahead in a journey - only God knows that. i'm so thankful i'm on this one. a savior, a husband, 3 adult children, a daughter-in-law and many many things learned. i thank God for this trip.

letter to mom

hi mom
doubt you'll ever hear of this - you're not exactly up on techno culture and in your current stage probably wouldn't be able to understand it anyway.

i've been crying for/about you lately. i'm hurt that you're so alone. i'm hurt that your children don't call and check on you and let you know they care, which i think they do, at least i hope they do. i'm sorry you don't have friends and family "doting" on you and ministering to you.

most of us, your children, didn't really have a relationship with you. it was more of an identity. we knew our roles. you're mom, we're the kids. but as i aged i learned more about who you were. you were stronger than we probably ever realized. you lived loving a man who abandoned you over and over, left you with no money, no food, no home, no heat, etc. yet you perservered. maybe you thought that was your only choice, but i know from experience it's not.

you could have chosen to leave us (your kids) as well - but you didn't. although i think you may have left emotionally in some respects, you continued to do what you could to keep us fed and clothed although we balked at it at the time. potted meat, sardines, ketchup on crackers and second hand clothes were a part of life and yet, we never starved that i recall and never went naked. (although aunt carol tells me of finding ricky crawling around with just a diaper on.)

mom, i have no idea how you perserverd through the many years. after paul came into the picture the financial situation changed somewhat, he had a steady job but with 7 kids it still wasn't easy. i know i stole many times for lunches at school and who knows what else. the tension in the house was evident most all the time. i guess none of us really knew how to cope with all that was going on.

we never had affectionate times in our family. none of us were familiar with that. whether that was a result of upbringing, culture, hurts, or whatever doesn't really matter now. i hope i've told you enough that i love you - and thanks. thanks for not taking off, for not quittting, for feeding us, for washing our clothes, for the many cupcakes for school, and countless other things i can't seem to put my finger on (clothes sent to me for my kids, cards, flowers, letters, phone calls, money.......) i'm sorry if i didn't appreciate it enough at the time and a part of me wishes we could go back and i could dwell there for a time - but that is not to be.

i'm so sorry you've been hurt so bad, and so often. my current hope for you is that you may finally have some peace. you've seemed to live so much in anxiety, fear, judgment and what else i do not know. perhaps like me there's also been guilt, shame, remorse....the list could go on and on. i know for me that God has brought redemption; freeing me from so much and i so wish and pray that you could know his awesome love for you.

mom you are truly loved by God and me. i hope that you will somehow know that. i miss you, mom. i am so thankful for the guy that saved you from drowning. I thank God for you, mom, and again, i'm sorry you've had so much pain.

is there something in your eye?

it is hard for me to understand

the various ways of God

of how a friend seems not to care

and why it is allowed



a friend who does not show concern

or spend time listening to me

a friend who is too busy - too busy to see my need



and then i came to realize

i sometimes do the same

this e-mail i'll read later

or i'll phone another day

i really ought to drop a note

or stop by and say hello



the plank i see is in my eye -

my friend is not alone



FHG/bkm

hummingbirds at last!!

we have arrived!! there have been approximately 4 sightings of hummingbirds at my mother's day gift feeder :-) and here I was having doubts about having spent the money on it. now, two months later we see results. and isn't that sometimes the way of it? we put forth effort, money, time, whatever and seemingly for lack of anything to show for it - and then - WHAM - the blessings appear. what a reminder, to me anyway, that we need to at times wait, and then see the blessings of the LORD; bearing in mind, though, that some we may not see this side of heaven. will try to post a pic if i can get one (the things move so fast :-))